When I woke up and I saw 7:15am on the sixth Monday of the semester, I knew my day was already in shambles. Seven-fifteen meant I wasn’t going to have time for my morning devotion if I was going to have any chance at not been terribly late for my AGY 107 class at 8am.Why did I sleep for so long? How come I was just waking up?
I felt like slapping myself. Missing my morning devotion was going to mean I was facing the world without having talked to Jesus. Bro Kayode, the Bible Study Secretary of TBCF had told us without proper and consistent communion with the Holy Spirit, we won’t have the strength to be able to live as Jesus desired that we do.
On my way to class, I put on repeat the hymn ‘What can wash away my sins’ that I had on my phone—it was the perfect song for my condition. It was sung by Jesus Culture. I ensured I didn’t speak in tongues—that was not the right way to pray a prayer of repentance.
In class, everything was blurry. I could clearly hear what Prof Awe, the AGY 107 lecturer, was saying, but I couldn’t interpret them correctly in my head. My mind was totally blocked out. The only thing that I could think about was that I didn’t have quiet time, like Sandra loved to call devotion.
We had an hour break after the two hours class, and I figured I could use the break to pray. After ensuring my belongings were secured by the watch of my friend, Ayobami, I decided to go for a walk. Being an active person who doesn’t like to sit around too much, I figured my knowledge of my tendency to do better with activities that kept me mobile, could be used for the progress of my walk with God.
I chose the Northeast road because of my history with it. As I trudged the lonely path, I remembered the day I had blurted out to God when He seemed like one untouchable phenomenon. Now, the story was no longer the same. I was going to be grateful for the change that had occurred in my life within that time frame when I remembered what brought me there—I missed my morning devotion. God must really be angry with me. How could He have save me from such a terrible past and then I take Him with this hand of levity?
“Lord, I am sorry. I am so very sorry.”
I tried to moved unto other matters apart from repenting about my missed devotion as I walked further, but I couldn’t. How could I have been so lazy to sleep until 7am?
“A serious Christian should be up by, at most, 5.30am, to have quality time in communion with the Lord.” A preacher had said in one of our Sunday services.
That day wasn’t the first time of such occurrence. I had been struggling with waking up early for some time now. The first few days after the preacher said so, I had set my alarm on 5.30am and after hitting 10 minutes snooze thrice or more, I had always managed to stand up after 6 am. A number of those days, I had completely dozed off on while praying on my bed to wake up towards 7am. Some other times, I had prayed between dozing, such that I could not remember what I was saying to God when I became conscious after a doze.
Why was I so unserious about this Christianity? Was this not what I was saying—that I would eventually find out that I cannot walk this way, sooner or later?
I tried speaking but I had no words. I plugged my earpiece and push the play button to continue my ‘What can wash away my sins’ song, which I had paused when my lecturer walked in.
I pleaded with God for forgiveness for my non-commitment all through the walk. I wasn’t speaking out though. I didn’t want another episode of being looked upon as a deranged girl, like the woman did the last time I walked this road.
When I got back to my class, it was just about time for my next lecture.
I barely concentrated in the next two lectures. It seemed my soul had been dumped into a bottomless ditch of sorrow and I was trying to climb out to no avail.
During the second free hour, I scrolled through my playlist and for reasons I could not explain, I chose to listen to Don Moen’s ‘Your Grace is enough for me’.
I was struck in my heart when the song got to the part that said:
‘It’s not who I am, but who I can be. I know you are working your purpose in me. Still I can come just I am, for I find your love is free of conditions. So I will run to Your wide opens arms, where I am accepted and I am forgiven. Grace is enough for me. Your Grace is enough for me.”
My eyes suddenly felt choked by tears.
Something enveloped me that made my heart feel warm and free.
A thought came to my heart. S
omeone like me cannot dare to, but if a veteran in faith like Don Moen could say I could go back into God’s presence because His love was free of conditions, I could try.
I placed my head on the locker, while reducing the volume of the music as the same time.
“Father.” I muttered before I could stop myself
Right then, a sense of peace crashed into my own being, like a flood that was just released from a dam.
For reasons I couldn’t explain, the Don Moen song in the story has been ringing in my heart since last week. It has been so much on my heart that I wasn’t surprised to find myself incorporating it into this episode. The song is a beautiful song. You should listen to it. You can find the lyrics here: